I Was Here. So Was I.

Things that annoy me

2012-01-23T13:21:00.000-06:00

1. The phrase "put on your big girl panties and deal with it."

Missed Connection.

2012-01-12T15:26:00.000-06:00

Me: Plaid shirt, sandy blond hair, sharp chin with one of those little intellectual cleft-dimples, glasses, sitting in the grocery store waiting for my rescue dog, Bruce Hornsby, to be finished at the vet's office across the street.

You: stunningly gorgeous, great boots, cart full of healthy items with one little pint of Ben & Jerry's Bonnaroo flavor to show that you don't take yourself too seriously. Well-accesorized, proving that you have a a unique sense of personal style, but are intelligent enough not to cave to trends. You laughed out loud for no reason - I like to imagine you were thinking of ideas for new movie-inspired ice cream flavors like "Paul Blart: Clown Cone"

Us: Let's sell our homes and travel the world, making fun of people who are different (privately), while respecting their cultures (publicly). Let me feed you semi-burnt s'mores and boxed red wine on the roof on an RV parked alongside a country road. We'll use proper grammar and listen to Van Morrison. We'll fall in love, lying in each others arms, gazing at the stars and making up our own constellations.

Tell me what I was doing in the grocery store so I know it's really you.

2010-05-12T02:54:00.002-05:00

oh well

2010-05-09T03:13:00.000-05:00

This guy doesn't care about shit.

2010-05-09T03:06:00.000-05:00

She isn't having it anymore

2010-05-09T03:03:00.002-05:00

Let's make this last all night

2010-05-09T03:01:00.001-05:00

Does anybody ever read this anymore?

2009-12-04T22:38:00.002-06:00

Comment on this post when you read it.

Saw 12

2009-03-12T18:12:00.002-05:00

This summer Dr. Crazypants comes back from what you thought was the loss of his 7th and final life and pulls it off again! This time in a more head-spinning manner than ever! In an ingenious display of his medical and mechanical mind he successfully attaches another fully functional cloned head on to one of his "victims", the catch is the body still only has enough organ function to support one of them. In his 12th and most daring stunt yet Dr. Crazypants makes one man cut off his own head in order to save his life!

Alien Genitalia.

2009-03-12T17:53:00.004-05:00

Familiar Lauren?

Hangman cont.

2009-03-12T17:26:00.006-05:00

Oh yes! it can be stupid head!

Officer Mini Hands

2009-03-12T13:08:00.002-05:00

When he was young, no one made fun of Tad. Yes, his hands were small - but so were everyone else's. As he got older, people began to notice that his hands stopped growing, and that's when the taunting began.

Tad was never elected to student council, never was picked first during gym, and couldn't get a date to the prom. He was mocked by frat boys in college, and stared at in grocery stores and movie theaters.

When he got his first job, he thought the teasing would stop; he thought that adults would be mature enough to handle his "different-ness." He was wrong. All the other Kinko's employees mocked him, and told him he was only allowed to take "small jobs." They should have thanked him for being able to get paperjams out of places that their average-sized hands couldn't fit, but they just mocked him even more.

Tad quit Kinko's without even giving notice. He took his Segway straight to the police station and signed up for officer training. Now he'll prove to everyone that he can do anything they can do. Hopefully the teasing will stop, and people will start to give him the respect he deserves.

And if they don't, now Tad has a gun.

2009-03-09T00:28:00.000-05:00

Hangman.

2009-03-08T23:48:00.003-05:00

Bonus Points for super obvious first guess completion!

Happy

2009-03-01T15:44:00.005-06:00

Bernadette Peters

Born Feb. 28 1948

Famous television actress, singer and broadway star.

Suspiciously also a "curly girl"

Late

2009-03-01T15:35:00.004-06:00

You are finally old enough to see this again. The first time obviously didn't go too well!

Birthday

2009-03-01T15:30:00.002-06:00

This is the cake I made for your twelfth birthday and forgot to give to you! I just found it laying around in some old stuff of mine. Pretty impressive huh?

LoLo

2009-03-01T15:26:00.002-06:00

This is the cake that I made for your birthday and ate with my friends, while we talked about you and the influence you have made on each of us... You are 26 right!? and have an evil cat!? and look like a "King of the Hill" character!? Right?

Loch Raven Middle School Romance

2009-01-29T20:32:00.004-06:00

Jorge nibbled at the peanut butter and jelly sandwich that his mother had thoughtlessly forgotten to take the crust off of. He couldn't help but notice how Maria fumbled with her CapriSun as their eyes met. This was the humble beginning of an epic romance that would last the entire second semester of the school year.

Of course there were bad times, like the week that Maria got mono, but there were also good times... the sock hop, trips to the mall, and omg, the late night texting! In spite of all these memories, as the semester came to a close, Jorge faced a great dilemma. Next year would be his freshman year of high school, yet sadly for Maria she would still only be an 8th grader. How could he be seen with her? How could this possibly go on? Worse, how would he be able to end it? Perhaps a small token of his affection, something subtle would do the trick. But, in all honesty, Jorge was never looking back.

In Da HoUsE!!!!

2009-01-17T23:05:00.000-06:00

Does mom ever read this blog?

Young Love

2008-12-18T13:07:00.007-06:00

It was May 1985 in a sunny little Florida town when Juan made his way into the world. It wasn't until October 1987 that Hannah was born. They lived parallel lives - same town, same schools, same church, same friends. They trick-or-treated together every Halloween and neither ever thought romantically of the other. Their lives continued onward and they travelled to foreign towns, took lovers, drank wine, and learned from great scholars, without a second thought of the young friend in another region of the world.

That is, until Halloween 2008, when their lives intertwined once again in an act of destiny. It couldn't have been more perfect if he had dressed as Batman & she as Robin. It wouldn't have been more serendipitous if he wore a Hotdog costume & she a mustard bottle with armholes. The stars shan't have smiled more if he bore a frock resembling Samuel L. Jackson & the lass clothed herself in a confederate flag half shirt, gently applied a makeup in the form of a blackened eye, & swathed her waist in chains. Nor if he wore the threads of a Romeo and she the gown of a Juliet.

On that starry All-Hallows Eve, their eyes met from across a case of Busch Light. He knew at that instant that she had always been the one for him. She felt in her heart's heart that the boy was her one true love. Their costumes spoke volumes that their mouths could never utter. For no two souls are more destined for each other than crazy-long-armed man & Amy Winehouse.

a light evening scare

2008-12-13T09:16:00.003-06:00

Who is that?

2008-12-13T09:10:00.002-06:00

WHO DAT

2008-12-08T09:49:00.000-06:00

SlumDog Millionaire

2008-11-21T13:37:00.003-06:00

Bark! I need the rent under my door by the 5th! Ruff ruff! and I'm not fixing your sink again! Grrrr. Gotta go pee on my solid gold fire hydrant.

Alternate universe

2008-10-25T13:41:00.003-05:00

I may have been a lumberjack in another life.

Pressure

2008-09-18T14:47:00.002-05:00

Never having had much confidence to begin with, Terance was now sweating bullets under the pressure. Here he was all alone in a brand new, sparklingly clean, public restroom, with a pocket full of magic markers. Could he come up with a graffiti worthy of such an honor?

Do I have to spell it out for you?

2008-09-14T20:46:00.009-05:00

After 8 months of dating Cindy was starting to have doubts about her future with Tim, she loved him at first and thought that she had the compassion and courage to deal with Tim's "condition". Tim along with being deaf from the age of 13 from a bar fight that ended with a pool stick being broken over the side of his head was a closet pervert. Cindy obviously knew at first that he was deaf and was not deterred, she saw it as interesting and was prepared to help out in whatever ways he needed her to. To be honest she was looking forward a little bit to being seen as someone who had the open mindedness to be with someone who was impaired, she thought it would be good for her reputation. She however did not find out until about 3 months into the relationship that Tim was quite perverted, and not to mention steadily gaining weight since he self notedly "didn't have to hunt for tail anymore". So one night at their usual bar about 5 months after she had found out his secret, now knowing that he was not always "at his mother's house", and wasn't "solving crime" or "going to play basketball with his friends" but was rather in the basement of his house "playing with his tits AND looking at his ass at the same time" (which is what he always did) everything boiled up in her head and she snapped. Not having her usual communication notepad with her she suddenly and violently forced him into the women's bathroom whipped out her marker, wrote the words you see above on the stall door and began "freaking out". After being manically thrown into the women's restroom and forced into the stall Tim became sexually excited and actually started "playing with his tits AND looking at his ass at the same time" which caused Cindy to completely lose it. She immediately stormed out; leaving him, his habit and their relationship behind forever. This is now all that is left of the time that they had together.

Keep your hands on the handle bars

2008-09-12T17:23:00.004-05:00

Once upon a time there was a boy named Larry. Larry was a kind and considerate person. He liked to make people laugh, play video games, and watch America's Next Top Model.

Larry had a happy life, a good life. He had all that he had ever wanted... nice hair, a sweet dog, and an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous wife. Then one day, he got into a bike accident which just so happened to make his penis bigger, but consequently did this to his face.

That Message Wasn't For You, Dude.

2008-09-12T13:34:00.004-05:00

Timothy hated Gloria. He hated the way she always folded her dinner napkin three times when she got up to go to the restroom. He hated the noise her flip flops made against their linoleum kitchen floor. He hated the long wavy red hairs left in his tub after her shower. But there was nothing he could do about it. He loved Janna, his wife of 7 years, and Gloria was her best friend. So when Gloria lost her savings in a ridiculous scheme to sell disposable purses online, she moved in with the couple & Timothy was stuck.

The original plan was for Gloria to stay for a week or so - until she could find a real job & get back on her feet. But weeks turned into months, and now Gloria had been smelling up the guest bedroom for the better part of a year. Timothy had had enough. He stopped being polite, stopped tip-toeing around the issue and told Gloria that she needed to get out. She was ruining his lifestyle, his marriage, and that he didn't care what she did to make money. Gloria could go be a prostitute for all he cared, as long as it got her out from under his roof.

This suggestion didn't sit well with Gloria or with Janna. Their anger fueled Timothy even more. He left and stayed with his best bud Paul for 2 weeks. Upon his return, he expected to see Gloria gone and his house back to normal. When that wasn't the case, Timothy flew off the handle. On his weekly trip with Paul to the local Waffle House, he let the world know, in writing, exactly what he thought of Gloria: She could drink his ball sweat.

Paul, thinking the message was for him, declined the offer.

Broken Dreams

2008-09-11T16:42:00.003-05:00

Francis Skyline had always been a dreamer. As far back as he could remember his goals had always been lofty. In high school he entered every creative writing class offered and was an active member of the theater club. His friends and peers would often smile politely when he started to ramble about his future as a big screen actor or high powered politician. When tuition at the local J.C. started to pile on top of his already considerable bills from improv classes, Francis was faced with the horrible realization that he needed to get a normal job.

On this rainy afternoon, in a smelly public restroom, young Skyline tearily relieved himself and began to reminisce about his low paying entry level job at the local butcher. It was harsh for Mr. Bandharp to fire him, but it was just mean for him to tease Francis about his constant daydreams. Little did the sausage-fingered old butcher know, Francis was dreaming about becoming the world's greatest meat connoisseur. Just when he felt his dreams had finally been broken, Francis Skyline opened the door to his heavily graffitied stall to find this beacon of hope, this bolt of lightning, this crying virgin mary, on the wall right in front of him. He was about to set out to create the worlds first personal bacon dispenser.

Algo!! Does Amsterdam

2008-07-03T15:31:00.004-05:00

I realize that Algo is a pretty bad-ass name. That’s cause my parents knew when they named me that everything I do would be bad-ass, including my amazing trip to Amsterdam. It’s the reason I sign my name with TWO exclamation points instead of one like my lame-ass friend Kevin!.

Did I mention my bad-ass trip to Amsterdam? I’m not really good with words, so let me DRAW it for you. Cause I’m a bad-ass artist. You’ll get a better feeling for the trip that way. And then you’ll understand how f-ing awesome the whole thing was.

There were all these buildings right in a row – like right on f-ing top of each other. And they had all these windows that you could see in cause the hookers left the lights on. And you could see people smoking weed and hanging out with hookers. RIGHT THROUGH THE WINDOW. It was so bad-ass. I mean – I totally would’ve got a hooker if that jackass hadn’t stolen my traveler’s checks that my grandma got me for my trip.

And I totally would’ve smoked weed, cause it’s legal there. But one time at home, I tried weed and it made me feel kinda sick the next day. There must’ve been something wrong with the weed that the dopey kid from next door brought me. He’s such a lame-ass. I bet he doesn’t even know what good weed is. But I totally do. Cause I live on the edge. I don’t follow anyone’s rules. That’s why people in Amsterdam thought I was like a local and shit. They couldn’t even tell I’m from Ohio – and I know that’s true cause they weren’t speaking American to me – they were speaking Amsterdamish like I’m an f-ing LOCAL and shit.

Anyway – there are also some fences and some water and shit in Amsterdam. I didn’t go swimming or nothing cause I don’t like to take my shirt off in front of other people. But it’s the most bad-ass city I’ve ever been in in my whole life. My friends are all so jealous cause of the hookers and weed and shit. I gotta run cause my mom needs me to take my baby sister to the park. I bet there’s some hot ass milf bitches there and they don’t even know what’s coming to them. Algo!!

John Got Classy

2008-07-02T16:45:00.003-05:00

John sent me this photo of himself in an email with the subject line "classy." That's it - no body copy, no further explanation necessary.

So I replied: "I had no idea. You think you know someone... You want to play some chess later? Also - can you recommend a good brie to go with my 89 pinot noir?"

To which he replied: "Indubitably, and by the way the production area of Brie de Meaux lays about 50 km (31 miles) east of Paris. Brie de Meaux is an ancient cheese. The oldest evidence is found in the chronicles of Charlemagne. The Emperor tasted the cheese in the small city of Brie in the year 774. During the French Revolution, Louis XVI last wish was supposedly for a final taste of Brie... so... I think I know a thing or two about Brie. I would suggest anything flown in directly from the coast of France, cheap American knockoffs are no companion of an 89 Pinot Noir! Ciao!"

Thank God for Wikipedia or my brother would be such an asshole.

Tara Got a New Job

2008-04-04T17:02:00.006-05:00

Me: I didn't realize you were serious about getting a hostessing job until Becky told me you were starting tonight.

Tara: Wish me luck. I have visions of tripping and landing on an old lady, she has a heart attack and goes into cardiac arrest. Her grandson who kindly took her out to eat and was suppose to be my soul mate hates me because I've killed his grandmother. Then his father, the lawyer, sues me for being a ditz and a clutz. Then my soul mate's aunt (the beloved only daughter of the grandmother) who I was suppose to meet at Christmas and who was going to offer me a sweet, cushy job...testifies against me that her mother had a presence that no one could ignore. Which is ridiculous because if that were true then I would have noticed the wee Italian lady and never have fallen on her!!!!!

Me: I'm sure you'll do really well. I think you're lithe enough that if you fell on an old lady, she would only have a minor bruise, not a heart attack. So even if your soul mate's mother does sue you, she can't say that you took away her mother's spirit - because an old lady with spunk like that can't have her charismatic presence spoiled by a little bruise. Plus, I'm sure that the grandmother put way too much pressure on your future mother-in-law when she was a debutante - so she's probably happy to see someone who's not afraid to give Granny a dose of her own medicine. No one has ever stood up to that old bag before - they'll all respect you for it & you'll probably end up with a bigger portion of her estate than the grandson you marry.

Real Disclaimer

2008-04-02T12:28:00.004-05:00

This blog is intended for entertainment purposes only. We hope it is actually entertaining. These stories might be true, but there's no way for us to know that - we don't know the graffiti "artists," nor would we ever write on a bathroom wall. Who brings a Sharpie with them into the bathroom, anyway?

Disclaimer 3

2008-04-02T11:28:00.001-05:00

warning: the author of this may be drunk

Disclaimer 2

2008-04-02T11:27:00.000-05:00

WARNING: The information contained in this email may or may not be applicable to you under the laws of the state in which you reside, or the state in which the sender resides, or under the laws of any states through which wire or air containing the bytes which comprise this message has traveled or will travel during the transmission of this message or any other message sent or received by any parties known or unknown via the World Wide Web, hereinafter referred to as the "Internet." This information, whether intended for business use or for personal use, including but not limited to, family news, information on friendships, or so-called "humorous" emails (including things forwarded from third, fourth or fifth parties, but not sixth parties), is not binding by law and can not be presented as evidence in cases pertaining to the contents of this message or any other case tried in the 48 contiguous United States, but may be used as evidence in local civil court proceedings in Hawaii, Alaska and Puerto Rico as deemed appropriate by the relevant governing bodies of such states and/or republics. This disclaimer does not provide relief from use of this emails contents as evidence in cases which are tried on foreign soil, excepting only China and Dubai, India, as dictated in section 1:25-43. All contents of this message, including contents transmitted in a forwarded or replied-to email, are subject to scrutiny and the words may be re-arranged to form new sentences, but only by legal counsel, and only to incriminate the sender for felony crimes, including murder, arson and bestiality. In summary, but not all-inclusive of the provisions of the disclaimer, it is imperative to note that the person sending this email is probably very important and could say things, even casually, that you might think are legally binding. But they're not legally binding. Except when applied to cases of bestiality in Dubai.

Disclaimer 1

2008-04-02T11:26:00.001-05:00

The preceding message was intended for those it was sent to and anyone they should choose to share it with. The NFL may not reproduce, copy or distribute the above message without the express written consent of NJA. If, during the course of our correspondence, I incorrectly guess your weight within 5 pounds, you will be entitled to a prize from the shelf consisting of and possibly limited to the area below the stuffed animals and left of the small basketball balls excluding the parachuting army men and including only the chick-lets. In the event that your return email is not found worthy, NJA reserves the right to tease and or make fun of said email for up to and possibly beyond a fortnight. If, during the course of reading the above email, you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours, please do not respond (as that would be creepy) and instead consult your physician immediately. This message is approved by NJA.

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